Nothing could have prepared me for this day. 

The dreaded phone call that shakes you to the core. The unbelievable words that you hear on the other end of the line. Even though I had not seen you in many years, I still had a glimmer of hope that you would get clean and healthy. Nothing could have prepare me for the devastating cries of your beautiful daughter who never gave up hope that you would one day see your grandson for the first time. Your life as I knew it for just a short time plays in my mind over and over . I also think of how the drugs must have taken a toll on your once beautiful young face. 

I knew you were a troubled soul. you had already had so much pain in your life as a young girl. I knew you tragically lost your little brother and the subsequent destruction it caused your family afterwards, but I never dreamed that you would self destruct.

I am devastated, shocked, angry, helpless, searching for why. There was help out there. Your daughter loved you so much. So many people loved you and would have done anything to help you. Why were drugs the only way out? I know addiction is powerful. I just always thought you would meet the right person who would give you the hand up that you needed . I feel horribly guilty that I was not that person. We are heartbroken, angry and lost for words. How do I deal with a grieving grand daughter who is trying her best to get through life. Did you even know how hard she worked to become a medical assistant? Do you know how hard she worked in the labor room to deliver a sweet little boy that others told he to abort? She studied and persevered through so many hardships to better herself, to make you proud? Why couldn't things have turned out differently? You had everything going for you. You were a beautiful, smart, talented girl, what happened? You had everything going for you. Apparently, you did not think so, and the lure of drugs took you. The ultimate demon. 

I pray that you are finally at peace and are safe in heaven with all your loved one that have gone before you. We just wanted you here with us. RIP beautiful girl <3

Brothers

I am working on some pictures of the boys before Daniel was born, December 15, 1992.
I have been memory keeping since being "snowed in" for the last few weeks.
It is so easy to look at old pictures from the 90's and want to crop them.
Instead of doing that, I have found that keeping the pictures mostly intact very necessary for me. I have decided to keep most of the dated appliances/furniture etc in the picture because that was a reality for my life at that time. I don't want to sterilize the past, but story tell it as accurately as I can for future generations to see!  That is the power of memory keeping and why I love it. Not all moments in time were picture perfect and fun and games, but that is the reality of all of our lives. My pictures are not magazine worthy with perfect smiles and poses, but they are real. Brown tint, off frame, over/under exposed and all. And that's reality!

Feeling your messy feelings

After spending an hour pouring out my heart, my post did not "save", good grief.
I'm not sure whether to be angry (which I am), or just find the humor in it and I am trying very hard to do that. I must say that just typing out my feelings really helped talk me off the ledge.

I am still in the middle of an emotional explosion right now. Tears run freely as they have not, in a long time. My body seems to be detoxifying feelings which need to go away or be dealt with. Or as in my case right now, felt and dealt, my new made up term. At least, I don't think I've heard it before. If someone else coined the phrase, sorry, not sorry.

Today is my middle son Carl's 38th birthday.

(Written on January 24, 2019  published April 28, 2020)

Not sure why I quit writing and saved it as a draft, as I had done with many of my latest compositions.
Maybe I have been too filled with emotion, as revealed in reading my last few unpublished (until today, that is!) posts.

Anyway, I'm glad I did not delete! Such a great picture! Happy birthday Carl!

What a life you have lived so far. As of today, you are in Community College at Skagit Valley CC and are in computer science. You had a curve ball thrown at you with the Covid-19 virus that shut our country down and have been taking your classes on line, like all other students. We are all proud of you as you are working very hard to overcome the consequences of bad decisions made early on in your life. Keep up the good work!

***insert catchy title here***

My brain thinks in what "should be" instead of "what is". It's a very difficult place to be. Reality and fantasy collide but as an artist, fantasy is what fuels your craft, that is what makes us a little "off", which is why I tend to be attracted to "off" people. I'm not talking "off" in a bad way but "off " in a "march to the beat of a different drummer" off. A peaceful, creative, touchy feely kind of person, but still detached in a way to protect them from the ones who want them to march to THEIR beat. People who have a different agenda than yours. (Again, I am NOT talking about people who want you to do something harmful.)

Anyway, as I was taking pictures today, I thought a lot about this dilemma. How to be your creative self and still be able to function in the "real world". People don't understand your need for solitude. They don't understand your need for "space". It is often looked upon as sloth, and sometimes the creative soul IS slothful.

How do you reconcile the two?

Walking Down Memory Lane

1/28/19

 WOW!!!

I just drug out some OLD pictures from the mid/late 70's from our early years, BC (before children)😄

Now, I don't know if was just us, and it was the 70's, mind you, 😜 or whether it was the cameras we were using, but man, do I have some terrible pictures for memory keeping. However, an interesting thing happened as I was looking through them. So many feelings came to the surface as I reflected on all the different pictures I was holding in my hands. I was looking at a huge and significant part of my life. Between fond memories, grief, sentimental feelings, euphoric recall, laughter and downright pain, I felt a longing to be able to go back and do things over. To REALLY appreciate that time of my life and the people that are no longer with us. I am happy and blessed to have these pictures even though the quality and composition leaves a lot to be desired! I was not expecting this kind of reaction, since I just wanted to get them in a scrapbook and write "a little something" about each picture, which is what we scrapbookers do!
So, 40ᐩ years later, I find myself reliving these moments that I can really only get through looking at these memories frozen in time and appreciate them with all their beauty and faults.
Just like my life.

Goodbye Dear Friend

  ~  I had to help max over the Rainbow Bridge on Saturday April 21st 2018 and I am heartbroken.

Max came to live with us at the end of 2011 when my son was no longer able to keep him. He was the sweetest dog ever, stealing the hearts of everyone who met him. He has been my loyal companion for the past 6 1/2 years, along with my 2 Dachshunds, Buddy and Peanut. I miss him so much and the lack of his presence is very painful. RIP, dear friend.

My grandkids loved him so much, as well as my brother who isn't even a "dog person!"