Nothing could have prepared me for this day. 

The dreaded phone call that shakes you to the core. The unbelievable words that you hear on the other end of the line. Even though I had not seen you in many years, I still had a glimmer of hope that you would get clean and healthy. Nothing could have prepare me for the devastating cries of your beautiful daughter who never gave up hope that you would one day see your grandson for the first time. Your life as I knew it for just a short time plays in my mind over and over . I also think of how the drugs must have taken a toll on your once beautiful young face. 

I knew you were a troubled soul. you had already had so much pain in your life as a young girl. I knew you tragically lost your little brother and the subsequent destruction it caused your family afterwards, but I never dreamed that you would self destruct.

I am devastated, shocked, angry, helpless, searching for why. There was help out there. Your daughter loved you so much. So many people loved you and would have done anything to help you. Why were drugs the only way out? I know addiction is powerful. I just always thought you would meet the right person who would give you the hand up that you needed . I feel horribly guilty that I was not that person. We are heartbroken, angry and lost for words. How do I deal with a grieving grand daughter who is trying her best to get through life. Did you even know how hard she worked to become a medical assistant? Do you know how hard she worked in the labor room to deliver a sweet little boy that others told he to abort? She studied and persevered through so many hardships to better herself, to make you proud? Why couldn't things have turned out differently? You had everything going for you. You were a beautiful, smart, talented girl, what happened? You had everything going for you. Apparently, you did not think so, and the lure of drugs took you. The ultimate demon. 

I pray that you are finally at peace and are safe in heaven with all your loved one that have gone before you. We just wanted you here with us. RIP beautiful girl <3

Brothers

I am working on some pictures of the boys before Daniel was born, December 15, 1992.
I have been memory keeping since being "snowed in" for the last few weeks.
It is so easy to look at old pictures from the 90's and want to crop them.
Instead of doing that, I have found that keeping the pictures mostly intact very necessary for me. I have decided to keep most of the dated appliances/furniture etc in the picture because that was a reality for my life at that time. I don't want to sterilize the past, but story tell it as accurately as I can for future generations to see!  That is the power of memory keeping and why I love it. Not all moments in time were picture perfect and fun and games, but that is the reality of all of our lives. My pictures are not magazine worthy with perfect smiles and poses, but they are real. Brown tint, off frame, over/under exposed and all. And that's reality!

Feeling your messy feelings

After spending an hour pouring out my heart, my post did not "save", good grief.
I'm not sure whether to be angry (which I am), or just find the humor in it and I am trying very hard to do that. I must say that just typing out my feelings really helped talk me off the ledge.

I am still in the middle of an emotional explosion right now. Tears run freely as they have not, in a long time. My body seems to be detoxifying feelings which need to go away or be dealt with. Or as in my case right now, felt and dealt, my new made up term. At least, I don't think I've heard it before. If someone else coined the phrase, sorry, not sorry.

Today is my middle son Carl's 38th birthday.

(Written on January 24, 2019  published April 28, 2020)

Not sure why I quit writing and saved it as a draft, as I had done with many of my latest compositions.
Maybe I have been too filled with emotion, as revealed in reading my last few unpublished (until today, that is!) posts.

Anyway, I'm glad I did not delete! Such a great picture! Happy birthday Carl!

What a life you have lived so far. As of today, you are in Community College at Skagit Valley CC and are in computer science. You had a curve ball thrown at you with the Covid-19 virus that shut our country down and have been taking your classes on line, like all other students. We are all proud of you as you are working very hard to overcome the consequences of bad decisions made early on in your life. Keep up the good work!

***insert catchy title here***

My brain thinks in what "should be" instead of "what is". It's a very difficult place to be. Reality and fantasy collide but as an artist, fantasy is what fuels your craft, that is what makes us a little "off", which is why I tend to be attracted to "off" people. I'm not talking "off" in a bad way but "off " in a "march to the beat of a different drummer" off. A peaceful, creative, touchy feely kind of person, but still detached in a way to protect them from the ones who want them to march to THEIR beat. People who have a different agenda than yours. (Again, I am NOT talking about people who want you to do something harmful.)

Anyway, as I was taking pictures today, I thought a lot about this dilemma. How to be your creative self and still be able to function in the "real world". People don't understand your need for solitude. They don't understand your need for "space". It is often looked upon as sloth, and sometimes the creative soul IS slothful.

How do you reconcile the two?

Walking Down Memory Lane

1/28/19

 WOW!!!

I just drug out some OLD pictures from the mid/late 70's from our early years, BC (before children)😄

Now, I don't know if was just us, and it was the 70's, mind you, 😜 or whether it was the cameras we were using, but man, do I have some terrible pictures for memory keeping. However, an interesting thing happened as I was looking through them. So many feelings came to the surface as I reflected on all the different pictures I was holding in my hands. I was looking at a huge and significant part of my life. Between fond memories, grief, sentimental feelings, euphoric recall, laughter and downright pain, I felt a longing to be able to go back and do things over. To REALLY appreciate that time of my life and the people that are no longer with us. I am happy and blessed to have these pictures even though the quality and composition leaves a lot to be desired! I was not expecting this kind of reaction, since I just wanted to get them in a scrapbook and write "a little something" about each picture, which is what we scrapbookers do!
So, 40ᐩ years later, I find myself reliving these moments that I can really only get through looking at these memories frozen in time and appreciate them with all their beauty and faults.
Just like my life.

Goodbye Dear Friend

  ~  I had to help max over the Rainbow Bridge on Saturday April 21st 2018 and I am heartbroken.

Max came to live with us at the end of 2011 when my son was no longer able to keep him. He was the sweetest dog ever, stealing the hearts of everyone who met him. He has been my loyal companion for the past 6 1/2 years, along with my 2 Dachshunds, Buddy and Peanut. I miss him so much and the lack of his presence is very painful. RIP, dear friend.

My grandkids loved him so much, as well as my brother who isn't even a "dog person!"

I'm Back!

Hello again!

Have been hanging out on my other blog, https://camanocardmaker.wordpress.com recently, posting about my trip to Colorado in 1993!!! It has actually been a lot of fun and has stirred up fond memories. This is one of the things I enjoy so much about scrapbooking. Having another creative outlet is also a bonus!

Check out my CCM blog for my recent memory keeping layouts!

Feeling myself returning!

I hope that this is not a passing phase, but a new trend for me.


I'm actually feeling the will to keep going! Not just mechanical, auto pilot style, but really participate and be present in my life!


After losing Whitey, I was in shock, denial, anger, confusion, you name it. That was for more than a year. The second year, depression set in. Being overwhelmed, tired, unsure of myself, my life, my future, I fell into despair. Putting one foot in front of the other and trudging through life, not even wanting to get out of bed most of the time. I let myself go.

I read books on grief and grieving. I read affirmations. I went to grief counseling. Talked to people that cared. I prayed.

But the thing about grief is that is it not a tidy little package that we can control. No ones grieves and mourns like me. And I don't grieve and mourn like anyone else. There is no rule book. You cannot tell someone how to grieve or expect them to fall into the tidy little categories of how it is "supposed" to happen and God forbid, assign a time line. It is so counter cultural in culture of "instant" and "fast" everything.

I think I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. I'm excited to see where it is going to take me.

Beautiful Fall Colors

I was working out in my garden on Tuesday, and noticed how beautiful my little maple looked in the distance.



It has really grown this year and the leaves changing from green to beautiful yellow/orange make it stand out from the majority of evergreens on my property.

 

I just had to zoom in on it!

 

I love to go out and take pictures in my yard to compare how much things are growing from year to year. This tree was from mom and dad's property and I have been trying to remember when we planted it. I believe the pictures below were taken 4 years ago. It was so small!

 

 

   This one was taken from the barn with my rake leaning up against it. It must have been late spring or early summer (?) not sure but it looks like the leaves don't look all the way open. Was it the same year as the above? Pictures. I really need to start dating my pictures better. (The properties on my camera are not always correct.)

I always have plans of doing a comparison scrapbook of my plants and trees. Because most of them have been gifts from friends and family, they have special meaning.
In the meantime, I'll just have to enjoy taking my pictures and keeping better track of dating them.

Maybe someday!

Trying to Make My Bed

You wouldn’t think that it would be too hard to expect to change my bedding and make my bed in peace, would you? Well, normally I have to fight Peanut my little girl Dachshund to stay off the bed when I’m trying to make it, but this time, Prince decided that he was not getting off the bed!

Sorry about the blurry pics, I didn’t change the setting on my camera

Are you comfy enough now???

On a different note, today I had a glorious day to myself. At least until Dan comes home with D and Baby~

I have been
playingorganizing my bed/studio room today and have been in front of my puter most of the day, but I did come up for air a couple times and took a few pictures of the dahlia that I bought in the spring that are FINALLY blooming! I am waiting in 3 more to do their thing!

Ringo (I didn’t name it!)

Rockabuy, not quite open all the way

I also took a few minutes to play with my candy corn lights. Time to decorate for fall!

The light looks white in the picture, but they actually look like candy corn and give off an orange and yellow glow. I still have a lot to do, I just felt like playing today

Another year has passed...

As I sit here in the temporary calm of my house, I feel called once again to write.
It's been almost a year since my last post, and although I often think of writing, I seem to get sidetracked by the never ending list of "to do's".
My life has been turned upside down by the loss of my husband, and I am learning to live again.
Going from home, to college, to marriage, to children, to children leaving, coming back, bringing their children, raising a grand child, seems like I haven't had much time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Time has flown, a lot has happened. I treasure times when I can sit and enjoy the quiet and beauty right outside my bedroom window, which is where I write and create. There is a beautiful lilac, now barren of flowers, to the left of me. It was planted when we moved to the Island, brought from our first home because it had been a gift to Whitey from my parents. When we bought our first house, mom and dad would often get him something to plant for Father's day. We also have some rhododendrons and maybe some roses from our first house planted here. As a matter of fact, almost everything we have planted has a special meaning to me because they have been given to us by family and friends.
A little to my right is a bird feeder that I put up in Whitey's memory. I had originally thought that I would not keep up with the bird feeders after his loss, they had been "his thing." Besides, I had too much to do to take on another responsibility. It did not take long, however, for me to miss hearing and seeing the birds at the feeders when I went outside. So,.... I have a birdhouse outside my window where I can watch the antics, hear their chirping and watch the occasional, ok, more than occasional squirrel competing for the loot! A fun bonus for me was to have volunteer sunflowers come up under the feeder, from seeds that those greedy critters had missed!

I'm glad that I got some awesome shots of these little beauties! These were taken in July and unfortunately, they are already finished for the year. My garden, however, still has some blooming from seeds that I bought, so I am still able to enjoy my favorite fall flower a little longer.

This is the same flower and different stages! It has not been edited, this is it's real and splendid color!

 

 

This big guy was a volunteer from what I think was a pumpkin that I threw out in the garden last year for compost. He is HUGE and beautifully shaped.

 

The pumpkin to the right looks small compared to the big guy, but it is actually the more "normal".

This "Mammoth" Sunflower really is mammoth! It is probably the size of a dinner plate with it's petals and is about 12 feet tall. So beautiful and cheerful!



My Fuchsia is putting on a splendid show. It has been going on for a while now and isn't giving up yet. Way to go, Fuchsia.

Even though the fall season, with football, Thanksgiving, warm fires, power outages are reminders of Whitey, I will strive to make my own memories and be thankful for the fleeting beauty all around me at this melancholy time. Nature has a way of doing that.

Signs of Fall

While doing my chores today, I felt an intense awareness that the season really had changed very quickly, from the warm sunny mornings of late summer to the crisp and foggy mornings of autumn.

Of course, I knew intellectually, almost in an absent-minded way, and had been adjusting to the fall schedule of outdoor activities, but this morning it just hit me at a different level of awareness.

 

I mean, I knew if was fall because school started for Daemyan. I wasn't mowing the yard as often. Weeding,... hadn't really given it much thought lately. Daylight getting shorter and shorter...... 

But on Sunday, after church, I passed the nursery and saw people picking out colorful mums and the urge to transition to fall on a more conscious level really hit me. I turned the truck around and went back to the nursery decided to stop in to buy mums for my back deck and ended up with not only mums, but a few "burning bush" plants that will turn a fiery red before the leaves fall off.

 

 

 I love fall colors and have typically loved the fall, but this year it seems as though I have been a little apprehensive about the changing season. The football season, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all without Whitey this year. He would have been excited about making a nice toasty fire and planning his Thanksgiving menu. I'd be recording games for him to watch in his "man cave" after work. Sometimes the silence is deafening. Without the summer's flurry of activities, the reality of the season is hard to ignore. So I try to do what he would have done, but with my own twist, of course!

I even bought a new birdhouse!

 

 

So, I will feel my grief and loss and try not to take any day for granted with all it's ups and downs, as we never know how many seasons that we and our loved ones have left.

 

 

Enjoy the beauty of the early fall! There are a lot of changes to come!

 

 

  

 

 

Just for grins...........

 

 

Summer goes so fast.....

Time once again, has gotten away from me.
Daemyan has started the 6th grade and once again, fall is here.

Although the summer was a pretty lazy, I managed to keep real busy. Yardwork was never ending, and taking care of the neighbor's horses kept me out of mischief. Well, kinda... ;)
Looking back at my calendar, there were A LOT of trips to Home Depot, picking out paint, hardware, light fixures, toilets, sinks, tiles, countertops, flooring, building a new front deck, 6 weeks of swimming lessons for Daemyan and Dayla, Ed and April's wedding, Allapalooza, sibling lunches, painting projects, Stanwood Fair, my mini vacation to Twisp/Winthrop, Evergreen Fair and a trip to Mike and Kim's in Leavenworth! Oh, and Daemyan's 12th birthday, Dayla's 8th birthday, a new paint job and roof on my barn and a brand new truck! Whew!

Here are some of my "summer in pictures!"

 

swimming lessons

 

 new front deck

 

 Miss Dayla's 8th birthday

tons of mowing and yardwork!

 Painting at mom and dad's

 

 Sibling get-to-gether

 

building the kennel

 

horse sitting

 

sibling get-to-gether

New bathroom in progress

 

Alapaloosa

 

new Toyota Tacoma

 

And.................

 

Trip to Winthrop/Twisp

A wonderful friend of ours has a really nice vacation home in Twisp and graciously offered to let us stay there. So, I took him up on it! Sylvia, Noelle, me and Daemyan packed up and headed east on August 7th and came back on the 10th. It was short, sweet and perfect! We fell in love with the Methow Valley !

As you can see, we were not exactly "roughing it", which by the way, is fine with us.

Next is our trip to mike and Kim's in Leavenworth!

More picures to come, they are on the other computer :/